Saturday, January 06, 2007


1) My uncle once:
took his glass eye out and dropped it in his whisky
2) Never in my life:
have I been invited to an orgy
3) When I was five:
I shouted 'Get off you bad man!' at Captain Hook during a performance of Peter Pan
4) High school was:
totally devoid of girls
5) Fire is:
useful for toasting marshmallows
6) I once saw:
John Cale loping along like a wolf on an Edinburgh street
7) There’s this woman I know who:
walks like Bo Diddley
8) Once, at a bar:
I got very slightly tipsy
9) By noon I’m usually:
10) Last night:
an alien stole my scooter
11) If I only had:
the energy
12) Next time I go to church:
I will leave my ukulele at home
13) What worries me most:
is my tendency to worry
14) When I turn my head left:
I see a photograph of myself fishing on the River Tweed
15) When I turn my head right:
I see a slim Etruscan statuette known as the Shadow of Evening
16) You know I'm lying when:
I promise you a rose-garden
17) What I miss most about the eighties:
are Debbie Harry's cheekbones
18) If I were a character written by Shakespeare, I’d be:
19) By this time next year:
I should be more proficient on the Patagonian nose-flute
20) I have a hard time understanding:
21) You know I like you if:
I bite your neck
22) If I won an award, the first person I’d thank would be:
Santa Claus
23) Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro:
are all in the running to manage the Scottish football team
24) Take my advice, never:
take my advice
25) My ideal breakfast is:
poached eggs, grilled mushrooms, bacon, tomato and toast
26) If you visit my hometown, I suggest you go to:
the Caledonian Hotel and invite me for afternoon tea in your suite overlooking the castle
27) Why doesn't everyone:
like Witold Lutoslavski?
28) If you spend the night at my house:
you must be raving mad
29) I’d stop my wedding:
if I were you
30) The world could do without:
jazz, morris dancing, Disneyland and tripe
31) My favorite blonde is:
The Milky Bar Kid
32) If I do anything well, it’s:
a bloody miracle
33) And by the way:
Could you lend me a pound till Friday? I'm expecting a postal order