Help!
I've been on the blower (what a charming old upper-middle-class English expression) to a couple of helplines recently. Helpline workers fall into one of three categories. Either they are incomprehensible because you can't get your head round the accent, or they adopt a 'I know everything, you know zilch' approach, or they feed you the disarmingly candid 'let's face it, neither of us has a clue' line. My first call was to an 'I know everything' operative. Look, I said, this thing has never worked properly from day one. I want you to replace it under warranty with something that actually does what it says on the tin. Probably a software problem, he says straight off the bat, before proceeding to blind me with science and concluding with 'just upgrade to the latest drivers'. The software that came with it was crap, I say, so I replaced it with another proper program, hoping that would fix the problem. Longish pause. You replaced it? Yes. That may have invalidated the warranty sir. Really, I say, how so? It didn't work before and it doesn't work now, that's all. Even so, he says, we'd have to charge for a repair or replacement if the new software was proved to be responsible. Ok, I say, suppose I restore the old software, with updates, and if it still doesn't work will the work be done under warranty? I'll have to get back to you about that, he says. That was 4 days ago. Not a cheep. The other helpline chappie managed to combine numbers one and three - he didn't have a clue and was largely incomprehensible on account of a broad Geordie (Newcastle) accent, one of the most impenetrable dialects in the world when in full flow. I don't know how many times I repeated 'could you repeat that', biting my tongue to stop myself adding 'in english', but even when he did it made no sense. It was like a strange comedy routine in which he seemed to be forever answering the question before the one I had just asked. Eventually he admitted it was all beyond him. So, I said, what you're telling me is that I need to phone your premium rate line to get an answer to what should be a very straightforward question? Aye, that's reet ah'm afreed, says he. We canna gie advice on stoof we ken nithin aboot like. Boot heng on an ah'll see eef ah kin fin' a soooperveezer. Long pause to the accompaniment of - of all things - Prokoviev's Classical Symphony movements 2, 3, and the thrilling introduction to the finale. I was just starting to enjoy it when he came back, presumably after a cup of tea, a fag, and a leisurely browse through the Daily Record. Soooperveezer sez we canna help ye. Sorry. Would there be soomthin' else ah kin help ye wi' the day sir?