A couple of Tommy Cooper jokes:

~ A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

~ A friend of mine almost drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

~ So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'