Phil the Gardener
Phil the gardener comes every fortnight throughout the growing season to cut the front grass and the communal lawn at the back - always assuming that vandals haven't set fire to his kitchen or stolen his van, both of which have happened in the recent past. Phil has the most beautiful Border collie dog named Suzie, so sleek and nervous and affectionate that I always want to keep her. Anyway, he arrived today, accompanied by an assistant, laden down with strimmers, edgers, hessian sacks and two massive hover-mowers. As usual he rang the bell to ask for the key to the back garden. He loses around two keys a year. Last time he was here in the autumn he left it in the front door, but a neighbour rescued it before it was stolen by a passing house-breaker. I was told to reprimand him for this, but didn't have the heart. I gave him the key, he gave it to his assistant, and I went back to work. Some time later I heard a banging at the window at the back of the house. The assistant had locked himself in the garden. I stopped work again and went in search of Phil, who I found sitting in his van across the road with his boots up on the dashboard, reading the paper and consuming a giant torpedo sandwich and a mug of tea. 'Your mate's stuck in the garden, you'd better rescue him', I said. 'Oh right', replied Phil. Time passed and I heard more banging on the window. I got up and went to see what had happened. The door had banged shut again, and this time Phil and his assistant, plus the dog, were stuck in the back garden. I eventually found my own key, then walked round and opened the doors to release them. This is standard fare when Phil's around, but I don't object. You never know what's going to happen. One day last year he drove off after cutting the grass, then returned half an hour later to ask for the key again. 'What is it?' I asked. He looked a bit sheepish. 'I left Suzie in the garden', he said. Sure enough, there she was waiting patiently for him. If only I'd known. That was my chance. I could have stolen her and hidden her in a cupboard or something.